A Heart Too Numb
by Fallain
Summary: A failed attempt at TLK in New York, cursed lips, and now her trust in him thrown away after Killian's constant battle for Emma's affection is taking it's toll on his heart's ability to feel anything anymore. After all, it's just a simple organ beating in his chest. How much more abuse can it take in just one wicked month?


He was too late.

Of course, he had a damn good reason for being late. That Rumplestiltskin himself had jumped the pirate and the next thing he knew, he was tied up and gagged in the trunk of that Cadillac with Zelena threatening over him and taunting his lips with a rose. But he couldn't tell them that. He couldn't tell Emma about the curse or her family would be in danger which gave him no excuse to give the group to excuse himself for missing the meeting. Emma was already suspicious enough of why he was suddenly staying safely outside of her personal space so when he saw them leaving the diner and heading out, he ducked around the back of the building.

Unknown if anyone knew or not, he'd been staying at Granny's since the Jolly Roger was gone and it's a good thing he knows how to get to his room from the back entrance or he never would have gotten to see Henry trying his best to sneak out and steal his mothers yellow vessel.

It was quite the sight at first. Feeling a blossoming warm fondness for the boy despite him trying to get into trouble. Killian had never gotten the chance to know Henry before. His only goal was to kill Rumplestiltskin in the past and that left little time to get to know the son that Emma was so desperate to get back to on that beanstalk. Henry was the whole reason that Killian had been able to meet Emma. The heart of the truest believer apparently also had the ability to remind a broken hearted pirate that he could heal by letting his mothers destiny intertwine with the infamous Captain Hook.

But all that did was remind Killian why he couldn't let Zelena use him against Emma and her family like this. He hadn't saved Charming on Neverland just to let him die in Storybrooke because of him. And he sure as hell didn't get to know Henry just to let him slip through his fingers. He was tired of learning to care about people only to lose them. This ended now, no matter the stakes.

He had to do what was best for Henry, what Emma kept telling Killian over and over that she planned on doing when Zelena was defeated: get Henry the hell out of Storybrooke. It was what Emma wanted herself, she said it countless times no matter how it shattered Killian's heart to hear how deadset she was on walking back out of his life. Surely she wouldn't care if Killian sped up the process for her...

After all, he was a Captain. For hundreds of years now, he'd commanded men and driven them in whatever direction he wished. He'd answered to no one and only did whatever he wanted, whatever he thought was best. Emma was the only one that he listened to, the only one that he would allow to command him. He'd do anything for her. He'd stayed and protected Belle, he'd at least brought Baelfire the green jello even if he didn't prevent him from leaving the hospital, and he followed her everywhere no matter the trek or danger. But now it was time to make a choice without her because it was Henrys safety on the line and she couldn't know why he was in danger, couldn't know he was cursed or it'd only make things worse...

Killian had high hopes that he could get Henry safely out of Storybrooke with Smee but those hopes had been shot down just as he shot down the flying monkeys that came after them. Henry would never be safe with him. He was failing him, failing Emma, and as his gun jammed he did the only thing he could think of and made a run for Henry. He may not have a weapon but he could at least place himself between the beasts and the boy. They'd have to go through him first.

Luckily, Emma was there first. The calvary had arrived to save the day and he can only pause and step back as they take matters into their own hands. He could only stand there and try to breathe as Zelena called him out in front of everyone and Emma's eyes turned to him full of hurt and confusion and he knew that nothing he could say could calm the temper that was mounting in her. Not even telling her the truth about the curse. Especially not with Charming and Snow accusing him of lying about the message he'd received and not having the answers to defend himself, only more questions of if they hadn't sent it...who Had?

At the end of the day, he started right back where he'd left off, sneaking into the back of the diner. Henry was safe, memories restored, and Snow was giving birth. Their stories were wrapping up and he still had faith that they'd find their happy endings and defeat Zelena but it was now becoming apparent that he didn't have a place by their sides anymore. No one trusted him and that left him alone, heading into his room to his stash of rum that he'd been drinking more and more heavily lately.

Over the days, as he contemplated his curse and tried to keep a distance from Emma, his heart was constantly in pain, throbbing in agony and begging him to be close to Emma. He'd pushed aside the pain for her own good because he thought he'd known best but her confrontation with him on the docks...how She'd said she couldn't trust him anymore should have broken what was left of his heart but he only strangely felt nothing. His heart had given up on being healed and grew cold and numb, barely even feeling like it was beating anymore.

"A man unwilling to fight for what he wants, gets what he deserves..." He spoke softly to his rum as he unscrewed the cap and took a long swig. But swordfighting was easier. Fighting Rumplestiltskin and Blackbeard had been so easy as their steel swords clashed together and adrenaline rushed through his veins. But fighting for Emma was an emotional battle that he was losing. She barely blinked an eye when he told her of the curse, only seeming incredulous that the Wicked Witch would do something like that as if she didn't know the reason why. Which only meant one thing to him. The one thing that he'd been trying to deny ever since True Loves kiss failed in New York to restore her memories... That she didn't love him. The thought of not being able to kiss him hadn't crossed her mind, hadn't phased her at all and that spoke in more volumes than the fact that she'd declared she couldn't trust him. He needed her in so many ways that he could barely keep away from her and she didn't need him at all. He was nothing more than a sidekick in her adventures.

It should have been painful to think about, but it was nothing but...nothingness. A black hole where his heart should have been sucking in all of his emotions and leaving him empty inside. He sets the rum aside to place his hand over his heart and make sure it was still beating in his chest and hadn't been stolen without his knowledge.

x ONCE x UPO TIME x

Author notes: I'm having a severe issue with crawling out of the mopey hole that 03x19 left me in. I really wanted to write this as a mood lifter but my writer's block is a dark tunnel with no light at the end of it. Any suggestions or ideas on where to take this fic? Perhaps Zelena stole his heart while he was tied up in Rumple's trunk, thinking it'd stop him from caring too much about Emma and make him selfish enough to kiss her regardless of losing her magic? Or maybe just a simple Emma coming to talk to him and make his heart start feeling again in the way that only she can do.


End file.
